Coming out of the fog

I finally feel like I'm starting to come out of the fog of depression, which is sooooo nice.  I don't understand it.  I don't really think I understand a lot of things right now.  But one thing I do know, I'm starting to feel better.

Here are some things I have done and noticed as I have started to feel more like myself again.

• I have noticed how blue the sky is.  Like I've never really thought of it before.  But just a few months ago I remember walking out of my house and thinking, "hey, that is one blue sky up there, isn't it?  It almost makes me feel, like, I don't know, happy?"
• I started to cry a lot.  I think it's because before I wasn't feel anything but despair and hopelessness, but it didn't make me CRY.  It just made me want to die, or just stop existing, but that was nothing to cry about.  It was something to sit on the couch and stare at the wall about.  But now that I am FEELING again, it's weird.  It's like everyday things overwhelm me because I'm simply not used to feeling SO MANY THINGS, and I get overwhelmed and I cry.  But it sort of feels good, because at least I'm feeling something other than despair, and loneliness, and boredom, and hopelessness, and complete apathy, and wondering if there is a point to anything.............
• I've been DOING STUFF.  It's been REALLY WEIRD.  I remember last year at the height of the depression, I couldn't do anything.  One day I seriously took a shower, then didn't have the energy to get dressed.  So I laid on the bed and covered myself with the blankets and fell asleep for two hours, woke up exhausted, but had an appointment with my therapist, so I reluctantly got up and brushed my hair, got dressed, and left.  But now, I am actually doing things I couldn't even think about before.  Like I cleaned up the toy room, which was SOOOO GROSS!!!!   But it looks good now!  SO GOOD!!!!!  
• It feels like I'm waking up.  And that is SO NICE, but you know how it is when you take a nice long nap, and it was really nice, but then you wake up to a house that a tornado has gone through?  That is how I'm feeling now.  I keep looking around the house and for the first time in about a year I'm thinking, "HOLY CRAP!!!!  What happened in here?!?!  Who in the HELL let the house get this bad?!?!?!"  Oh yeah, that was me.  But I guess you just do what you can do.  
• I've also been taking the kids places.  Like the park, the zoo, and swimming!  I can't believe it!!!   And it's been NICE!  I actually am enjoying getting out of the house.  sigh.  It feels good. 

So those are some things I've noticed.  I have a long ways to go it seems before I'm back to being me again.  I put on about 25 pounds.  That was totally not awesome either.  But I guess it was better than smoking crack or something.  My fitness is not great, but I'm SLOWLY working on it.  

I think that is the most frustrating thing about any of this.  When I started seeing my counselor, she told me it would take a while to get better.  Some weeks and months it seemed I was just treading water.  And I was.  But it was better than sinking deeper into my depression, which was what was happening before.  So now I can actually see that I'm making progress, but it always has to be slow.  So instead of trying to transform myself in 3 months flat, I'm starting to understand that in 3 months from now, I hope to be a bit better than I am today.  For me that will look like having clean dishes in the cupboards, doing laundry every once in a while, cooking dinner a couple of times a week, and hopefully losing about 5 pounds between now and then.  It's painfully slow.  But it's better than not moving forward at all.  

So that is how I'm feeling today.  The clouds are finally clearing up.  I'm breathing again.  And I'm starting to see that life might be pretty okay in the future sometime, and I might someday feel like I have a purpose again in this world.  For now I'll be here, enjoying the glimpses of blue sky, and the occasional de-cluttering and deep cleaning of my home.  Maybe I'll even eat a carrot or two between now and the next time you hear from me.  keep on swimming.................. keep on swimming..........